For some reason, I instinctively did not want my baby to have a pacifier. I'm not sure where the dislike for the paci came from, yet without reason, I initially felt against the idea of a pacifier. I thought about all the children I had heard about still loving their paci at 3 and 4 years old, with messed up teeth and speech.
Thankfully, the first 4 weeks HG was a dream child and fell right asleep after each feeding at night, and did not cry during the day except when she was hungry. The past few days, she has become more aware of her surroundings and knows when people are around. She has started crying when it is bed time, and was needing help soothing herself.
I would let her cry and cry and cry, not knowing how long a newborn should fuss. My own stubbornness and pride did not want to pick her up and soothe her. I am the parent and you will sleep when I say it is time to sleep, I thought to myself.
While visiting with a friend, HG got fussy, and she asked if we had a pacifier. I hadn't thought about the pacifier helping her, but initally felt against the idea.
Two nights later, HG was fussing and fussing while trying to go to sleep. There the paci sat on the
dresser, where it sat since we returned from the hospital. I thought I should try it, and after an hour of not sleeping I decided to give it a try. HG latched onto it right away, enjoyed it for about a minute, and fell right asleep.
Major fail moment, Mama. Why did I not help her soothe herself sooner?
I thought deeper about what was making me against the paci. The paci is not bad, evil or damaging my child. Why was my heart so against it?
It was me. I felt this need to be able to soothe my own child. I felt like she needed to learn how to sleep right away on her own. I wanted to control my child. I wanted to control the when, where, how she slept and in turn I slept. I needed control.
My heart so often wants to control the things in my life. I struggle to let God control the details in my life, even though He has never left me or failed me. Even though His grace is sufficient for me. A little paci has revealed my true heart. I am thankful for these slow days at home that the Lord is teaching and growing me through.